Two of my worst fears.
My parents are addicted to the Arab satellite channels, which I've gotten around to watching after months of refusing to since I missed watching normal Tv shows. After a certain Musalsal (arab series) my mother and an Aunt of mine spoke of this very topic, getting divorced or remaining single.
What's better according to them? Being divorced.
That freaked the hell out of me, though I'd prefer to go through neither, (inshaAllah!) they were so normal about it. Both noticed the look on my face as I must have turned yellow or something.
Apparently being divorced is better, since you atleast get to experience going through a relationship (perhaps having children?) despite it coming to an end.
I think it's the idea some Arabs have in their head. Single is bad. So as long as you've been married before no-one can talk about you. Like that's possible!
Maybe it is better, I just wasn't expecting it.
And no, I'm not paranoid about divorce. It simply scares me! But then so does staying single forever. 8)
Ok I'm over it now.. It did have me thinking though. If you don't find anyone who seems suitable and meets all or most of your criteria, marry anyone? Better than remaing single forever eh? Hmm I guess you never know.
Friday, November 30, 2007
Monday, November 12, 2007
A few months ago
Not long ago, a prospect came to ask for my hand. I had known him previously through the IS at my old University. He was a well respected member, and probably one of the most active as well in his final year. The sisters last year were quite inactive at the time, and I was fairly new helping where I felt I could. I only contacted him when it was about the society but later things began to change and we sort of grew interest in each other. Last year, I think I was quite different, maybe because I was younger and never had actually interacted much with the opposite gender.
Eventually we stopped talking, and any feelings I had for him slowly vanished, till a few months ago. He was back in my life, and probably more serious about marriage than ever. I had told myself several times over that I wouldn't consider him anymore, I was pretty much over him. Little did I know how weak I was. A meeting was arranged just a few weeks before my exams with his family. It being a hectic time, and with my emotions taking quite a turn, I accepted that he come. What would I be losing? I told myself. Maybe he was "the one". I was determined to find out. I didn't want to regret anything.
A part of me wanted to continue, and I wanted to give him a chance. We had never really spoken properly in person, besides a few salams and maybe a few words here and there. From what I saw he was a good guy. Maybe a bit more religious than I, but sometimes I had doubts about that. Who was I to judge, I thought. We weren't exactly on the same track and I could tell our expectations for marriage were rather different. He wanted kids straight away. I wouldn't be able to cater to that. I want to finish my degree before I have kids. He also didn't think working was a good idea, and that getting an education wasn't going to get me anywhere.
He seemed persistent about me, and although that can be flattering it made me a bit, how do I say, uneasy. You can sometimes tell something about a person, and how determined they are to get what they want. Sometimes they forget what they were originally after, maybe. It's a bit hard for me to explain.
After the first visit, I spoke to my parents about him several times. I didn't want to make it sound like I knew too much about this guy. My parents are picky considering I'm still young and they don't want me to rush into marriage. They'd actually prefer I'd finish my study first. Quite different to the rest of the people I know from my country, but true. I don't mind waiting, but I'm also not going to insist on it.
Apart from all the good qualities he held, which were ALOT there was something holding the whole situation back. Partly my parents, and perhaps a huge part at that. One of the most important things I want when I get married is our parents blessings. I've seen too many marriages go through years of heartache without it, usually ending in a separation.
His views differed to mine, yet I don't know why I was willing to continue. It makes me wonder, what was I thinking? Did that experience prove that I was willing to just get engaged to anyone who had the qualities I wanted, despite the hiccups involved along the way? Maybe I was tired of being lonely.. only a person going through it would understand. Whether a person is young or old, they're going to experience it if they don't have some1 special in their life. It's not about being desperate but about wanting that.. feeling of companionship and love. The one Allah swt instilled in each and every one of us.
My parents had their reason as to not accepting him, which at the time I didn't understand either. He was almost perfect, but also far from it at the same time. Even though a part of me wanted to continue with him, not to marriage but maybe just to get to know him better. There was so much about him I wanted to understand. Till now, I don't know why. Perhaps through him I would understand being in a relationship better.
I agree with my parents decision to end things between us. I did my part, I even argued with them on a few occasions about their opinion of him. There really wasn't anything more I could do. Even if I did, I truly believe things would not have worked out.
Nobody really understands Arab parents, maybe any for that matter, but sometimes Allah may not want something for us which we may desire, so through our parents things don't work out as we may have wanted them to. It's better that it's done earlier rather than later, when not too many feelings have been formed.
Their influence plays one of the biggest roles in my marriage. If it wasn't for them, sometimes I wonder where I would be right now.
Eventually we stopped talking, and any feelings I had for him slowly vanished, till a few months ago. He was back in my life, and probably more serious about marriage than ever. I had told myself several times over that I wouldn't consider him anymore, I was pretty much over him. Little did I know how weak I was. A meeting was arranged just a few weeks before my exams with his family. It being a hectic time, and with my emotions taking quite a turn, I accepted that he come. What would I be losing? I told myself. Maybe he was "the one". I was determined to find out. I didn't want to regret anything.
A part of me wanted to continue, and I wanted to give him a chance. We had never really spoken properly in person, besides a few salams and maybe a few words here and there. From what I saw he was a good guy. Maybe a bit more religious than I, but sometimes I had doubts about that. Who was I to judge, I thought. We weren't exactly on the same track and I could tell our expectations for marriage were rather different. He wanted kids straight away. I wouldn't be able to cater to that. I want to finish my degree before I have kids. He also didn't think working was a good idea, and that getting an education wasn't going to get me anywhere.
He seemed persistent about me, and although that can be flattering it made me a bit, how do I say, uneasy. You can sometimes tell something about a person, and how determined they are to get what they want. Sometimes they forget what they were originally after, maybe. It's a bit hard for me to explain.
After the first visit, I spoke to my parents about him several times. I didn't want to make it sound like I knew too much about this guy. My parents are picky considering I'm still young and they don't want me to rush into marriage. They'd actually prefer I'd finish my study first. Quite different to the rest of the people I know from my country, but true. I don't mind waiting, but I'm also not going to insist on it.
Apart from all the good qualities he held, which were ALOT there was something holding the whole situation back. Partly my parents, and perhaps a huge part at that. One of the most important things I want when I get married is our parents blessings. I've seen too many marriages go through years of heartache without it, usually ending in a separation.
His views differed to mine, yet I don't know why I was willing to continue. It makes me wonder, what was I thinking? Did that experience prove that I was willing to just get engaged to anyone who had the qualities I wanted, despite the hiccups involved along the way? Maybe I was tired of being lonely.. only a person going through it would understand. Whether a person is young or old, they're going to experience it if they don't have some1 special in their life. It's not about being desperate but about wanting that.. feeling of companionship and love. The one Allah swt instilled in each and every one of us.
My parents had their reason as to not accepting him, which at the time I didn't understand either. He was almost perfect, but also far from it at the same time. Even though a part of me wanted to continue with him, not to marriage but maybe just to get to know him better. There was so much about him I wanted to understand. Till now, I don't know why. Perhaps through him I would understand being in a relationship better.
I agree with my parents decision to end things between us. I did my part, I even argued with them on a few occasions about their opinion of him. There really wasn't anything more I could do. Even if I did, I truly believe things would not have worked out.
Nobody really understands Arab parents, maybe any for that matter, but sometimes Allah may not want something for us which we may desire, so through our parents things don't work out as we may have wanted them to. It's better that it's done earlier rather than later, when not too many feelings have been formed.
Their influence plays one of the biggest roles in my marriage. If it wasn't for them, sometimes I wonder where I would be right now.
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